X-NEWS: nbivax sci.physics: 95815 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V6.1; site nbivax.nbi.dk Path: nbivax.nbi.dk!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!sunic.sunet.se!news.kth.se!nac.no!Norway.EU.net!EU.net!sun4nl!cs.ruu.nl!tijger.fys.ruu.nl!verhagen Newsgroups: rec.humor,sci.math,sci.physics,sci.chem Subject: science jokes (5/8) Message-ID: From: verhagen@fys.ruu.nl (Joachim Verhagen) Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 13:39:14 GMT Sender: usenet@fys.ruu.nl (News system Tijgertje) Organization: Physics and Astronomy, University of Utrecht, The Netherlands X-Nntp-Posting-Host: ruunat.fys.ruu.nl X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #3 (NOV) Lines: 1043 Xref: nbivax sci.math:84043 sci.physics:95815 sci.chem:14331 =3.1 POETRY P__________________________________________________________________________ robertk@xmission.com (robertk): There once was a fellow named Fisk Whose fencing was exceedingly brisk. So fast was his action That by the Fitzgerald Contraction His rapier soon was reduced to a disk. P__________________________________________________________________________ From: slw1@ellis.uchicago.edu (SluT) There was a young fellow named Fisk Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk By relative action The Lorenz contraction Had reduced his dong to a disk. P__________________________________________________________________________ From: blc@solomon.technet.sg (Brian Cohen) A mathematician named Hall had a hexahedronical ball. The cube of its weight, times his pecker plus eight is his phonenumber. Give him a call! P__________________________________________________________________________ robertk@xmission.com (robertk) writes: There once was a fellow named Blight Whose speed was much faster than light. He sat off one day In a relative way and returned on the previous night. We've heard of that fellow named Blight, And his trip on that fabulous night, But his increasing mass Would have soon proved so vast He'd have been a most *singular* sight! P__________________________________________________________________________ From: jim.henry@ftl.mese.com (Jim Henry) A quantum mechanic's vacation Had his colleagues in dire consternation. For while studies had shown That his speed was well known, His position was pure speculation. (Not sure who wrote that one.) I saw an old fellow of Sirius, I thought I was merely delirious. But he ate me with zeal, I'm convinced he was real That zealous old gourmand of Sirius. (I wrote that one.) P__________________________________________________________________________ From: Ken & Jo Walton (Magellan@kenjo.demon.co.uk) There was a young lady called Bright Who could travel much faster than light. She set out one day In a relative way And returned on the previous night. P__________________________________________________________________________ Relativity Said Einstein, "I have an equation," "Which some might call Rabelaisian:" "Let P be viginity," "Approaching infinity," "And let U be a constant, persuasion." "Now, if P over U be inverted," "And the squareroot of U be inserted," "X times over P," "The result, Q.E.D." "Is a relative." Einstein asserted. *P_________________________________________________________________________ From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite) There's a wonderful family named Stein, There's Ep, there's Gert, and there's Ein. Ep's statues are junk, Gert's poems are bunk, And nobody understands Ein. P__________________________________________________________________________ Twinkle, twinkle little star, I don't wonder what you are For by the spectroscopic ken I know that you are hydrogen Big whirls have little whirls That feed on their velocity; And little whirls have lesser whirls, and so on to viscosity. -Lewis Fry Richardson *P_________________________________________________________________________ From: sdnaik@iastate.edu Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =3.2 Quotes P__________________________________________________________________________ A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. - George Wald P__________________________________________________________________________ All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- E. Rutherford P__________________________________________________________________________ On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." -- Wolfgang Pauli P__________________________________________________________________________ "One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of sheer terror." -- W. K. Hartmann P__________________________________________________________________________ From: aephraim@physics5 (Aephraim M. Steinberg) To this day, lab directors keep a physics lecture on hand [to disperse rabble-rousers]. Let us pray we never need to use it." -- Lederman P__________________________________________________________________________ p.austin@info.curtin.edu.au (Peter Austin) "Very strange people, physicists - in my experience the ones who aren't dead are in some way very ill" -Mr Standish "The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul" by Douglas Adams P__________________________________________________________________________ From: sichase@csa5.lbl.gov (SCOTT I CHASE) Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money. -Leon Lederman P__________________________________________________________________________ From: aephraim@physics5 (Aephraim M. Steinberg) WHY must I treat the measuring device classically?? What will happen to me if I don't??" - Eugene Wigner P__________________________________________________________________________ From: c1prasad@watson.ibm.com (prasad) What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. - Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 P__________________________________________________________________________ Fermi was asked what characteristics physics Nobelists had in common. He answered, "I cannot think of a single one, not even intelligence." (Phys Today, Oct 1994, pg70) P__________________________________________________________________________ From: kitchse@mail.auburn.edu (Susan E Kitchens) One of my favorite quotes from Einstein is: "Gravitation can not be held resposible for people falling in love" P__________________________________________________________________________ From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite) Here are some more Einstein quotes: When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones! "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing. If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber. Einstein, Albert (1879-1955) * Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. _Science, Philosophy and Religion: a Symposium_ (1941) ch. 13 P__________________________________________________________________________ Physics is not diffucult, it is just weird - Vincent Icke "The Force of symmetry" (1994) P__________________________________________________________________________ From: cdhiv@aol.com (CDH IV = C. Dodd Harris IV) "The next question was - what makes planets go around the sun? At the time of Kepler some people answered this problem by saying that there were angels behind them beating their wings and pushing the planets around an orbit. As you will see, the answer is not very far from the truth. The only difference is that the angels sit in a different direction and their wings push inward." -Richard Feynman _Character Of Physical Law_, p. 8 *P________________________________________________________________________ From: kriman@acsu.buffalo.edu (Alfred M. Kriman) @A: Feynman, Richard P. (1918-1988) @Q:Physicists like to think that all you have to do is say, these are the conditions, now what happens next? @R: +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =4. CHEMISTRY C__________________________________________________________________________ Acid -- better living through chemistry. C__________________________________________________________________________ All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman CP_________________________________________________________________________ Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! C__________________________________________________________________________ methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and C__________________________________________________________________________ Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams C__________________________________________________________________________ Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: tphillips@biosci.mbp.missouri.edu (Thomas E. Phillips) Q:How many atoms in a guacamole? A:Avocado's number. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: ericd@jubal.mdli.com (Eric Desch) Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection Chemical engineers do it in packed beds. Chemists do it in test tubes. Chemists do it in the fume hood. Chemists do it periodically on table. Chemists do it reactively. Chemists like to experiment. Electrochemists have greater potential. From: skreyn@netcom.com (Veggie Boy = Sean K Reynolds) Polymer chemists do it in chains. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: CLD@msc.com PhD | / \ | | \ / | PhD Para - Doc's (can draw ortho - doc's as well) HiHoAg hi ho silver!!! From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico) CH3- _ _ _ _ - CH3 / \/ \/ \/ \ | | | | | \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ / \ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3 Tetramethylchickenwire From: bkd@christa.unh.edu (Brian K Dann) o o o H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\ | | | / \/ \/ \ A propyl people ether! From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico) Fe - Fe / \ Fe Fe \ / Fe - Fe Ferous Wheel From: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza) PhD | PhD / \ / | O | \ / Orthodox (ortho - Doc's) -------- MD I / \ | O | Metaphysicians \ /\ -------------- MD O O ---I---I-----O-C3H7 Propylpeople ether I I ------------------ /\ /\ / \ \ 4 | / \ | O |__4 \ / Metaphor (meta - 4) From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb) O-R-NMe2 | | / \ /\ / \/ \ I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether | (*stolen from A. Shusterman, with enhancements) --|-- | / \ C__________________________________________________________________________ From: a481@mindlink.bc.ca (J.D. Frazer) What is this: NaCl(aq) NaCl(aq) C C C C C C C Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's" C__________________________________________________________________________ From: tomm@netcom.com (Tom Murray) chemical formula: HIJKLMNO What is it? It's the formula for water. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman) These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman) Old chemists never die, they just fail to react. From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) DeLuxe 1.1 #9385 Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium From: wmaya@csupomona.edu (Walter Maya) Old chemists never die, they just smell that way. From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just) OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes C__________________________________________________________________________ From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis) What do you get when you cross buckminsterfullerene, helicase, and ATP? Screwballs." C__________________________________________________________________________ From: lozinski@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (Joe Cool) Man - A Chemical Analysis Element : Man Symbol : Ah (short for Arsehole) Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches. Discoverer : Eve Occurance : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. Physical properties : 1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). 2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz). 3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. 4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. 5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo commom ore. Chemical properties : 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. 2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. 3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available. 4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. 5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style. Uses : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo... Tests : Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions. Woman - A Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : WO Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175. Discoverer : Adam Occurance : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties : 1) Surface usually covered with painted film. 2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 3) Melts if given special treatment. 4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! 5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties : 1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones. 2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. 4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. 5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. 6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can greatly improve relaxation levels. Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. Can cool things down when it's too hot. Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling. 2) Illegal to possess more than one. C__________________________________________________________________________ There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: peabody@wam.umd.edu (Doctor Soran) Go skiing in Tellurium, Colorado Stanley Cupric's "Full Metal Jacket" The Uranium Songs: "I Get a Kick out of U" (Cole Porter) "I Can't Stay Away from U" (Gloria Estefan) Movie: "I Was a Teenage Werewolfram" Miscellaneus: The Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania along with the Cobaltic States of Germany, Poland, Sweden, and Finland June 6, 1944 was the radon Normandy. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis) Q:What does what does the Lone Ranger say to his horse? A:HIOAg, away! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: ts@uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi) Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: kkociba@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Keith J Kociba) Chemists are the *cleanest* people you'll ever meet... they wash their hands even *before* they go to the restroom! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: a94petbe@ida.his.se (Peter Bengtsson) Chemistry is really funny, there are even people who laugh at Nitrogen(I)Oxide. (You will have to know some chemistry to understand this :-) From: cgra@se.alcbel.be (Chris Gray) Or Nitrogen Triiodide??? C__________________________________________________________________________ From: wmoon@jupiter.uucp (Woo Moon) Q:What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin? A:You can't make a vitamin.... (take your time..) C__________________________________________________________________________ From: "Lev A. Gorenstein" Anyway, I think this is a good idea. Here's my contribution. These are "crazy phrases" from some works on several Moscow city and regional high-school chemistry olympiads (I've been a member of the Organizing Committee for them for a number of years and I really miss this now). By the way, if anybody knows about similar things here in the US (and Indiana in particular) - I will be gratefull. Unfortunately, all of these citations are in Russian (obviously ;-) and, what is much worse, most of them are unexpected (for their authors) puns, which are impossible (at least for me) to translate (some of these puns were just great, all the Orginizing Committee was rolling on the floor in tears ;-). I found only several phrases allowing translation (not best pearls, unfortunately...): [For the question: "Why H2S is a poison for us?"] : "H2S reacts with the iron in hemoglobin, forming an insoluble FeS, thus causing the oxygen deficiency" (there were some variants like Fe2S, Fe2S3, Fe2S2... But - isn't it a good idea, especially taking into account that it was in the work of a 13 years old guy?) [for the question: "Why lead compounds are poisons for us?"] : a) "Lead ions make sugar in the blood poisoned" b) "After Pb2+ gets in the stomach, since there is the Cl- in the stomach juice, the reaction Pb2+ + 2Cl- ---> PbCl2 (s) occurs, and the unsoluble PbCl2 precipitates into the stomach, thus distorting food digestion" "Also the produced hydrogen is a gas with nasty smell" [At the end of the work] : "Damn, done!" "When AgNO3 reacts with NH4Cl, there forms the precipitate kind of white and Ag salt" (Everywhere I tried to translate it equivalently to it's Russian prototype, saving the grammar mistakes and style ;-) [For the problem "Find mistakes in the following procedure of preparation of diluted H2SO4: .... "] : a) For preparation of diluted (strictly - solution) sulfuric acid one must not use concentrated H2SO4. b) There is no such thing as "volumetric flask" c) The mixture of ice and table salt DOESN'T EXIST! "Ice and NaCl mixture? Crap! The ice would momentarily melt because of NaCl!" "To the sulfuric acid one must add water, but not water to sulfuric acid" [The following was on the VERY weak work (it happened that the teacher said to pupils : "You won't get a good grade unless you go to the olympiads" and sometimes there was just a bunch of people who were not interested in chemistry and had came only "to be marked good" in teacher's eyes). They were starving there, because they were unable to solve any problem, they couldn't leave because of a teacher, and they had to entertain themselves. But how? Probably the oldest way to entertain oneself is to write something nasty to somebody else (also proved by recent anonymous posting about grad. schools ;-). Ok, enough theory, I explained the joke, you may start laughing here :-) Okh, one more explanation: "pud" is an old Russian wieght unit, equals 16 kg: "Don't have enough sake to find the mass % without calculator. That is why: It's better eat a "pud" of shit, Than solve your chemistry, damn it!" (this was rhymed! We thought about making this verse an unofficial slogan of our Committee ;-) Will check in my books about any funny chem. experiments. Regards to all, would like to see other responces. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: gardner@sun.lclark.edu (Gillian Gardner) It's not original; I've seen them posted here before, but: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They're cheaper than day rates. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: jpauer@mtu.edu (JAMES PAUER) First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: jpark@eis.calstate.edu (John Park) From: flatter@rose-hulman.edu (Neil Flatter) What does one do with a dead body? Barium They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium. Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium. And if they stole it, the police would Cesium. Locked up for life, in Irons. They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon. Maybe their into plastic surgery. What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium. To large gashes? Sodium. Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln. Like BaNa2, name IOAg. I O Silver. Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny. And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall. From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb) With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones... Where does one put the dishes? Zinc What does one do if one can't zwim? Zinc Name BaNa2. banana Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene with two dice. Name it. Paradice Also done w/ MD for paramedic Done as 1,2 w/ DDS for orthodontist. 1,3 and physics, metaphysics. Draw benzene with a Mercedes symbol single bonded to the uppermost carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) From C&E News (1/9/95 p.48): What's a cation afraid of? A dogion! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: naight@MCS.COM (Nathan Parker) Remember that without t Chemistry, Nothing would exist! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: lanzi@inland.com Q:What do you get when you combine [insert a person] with O2? A:Oxymoron C__________________________________________________________________________ From: http://www.circus.com/~no_dhmo/ BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide: * is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain. * contributes to the "greenhouse effect." * may cause severe burns. * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. * may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients. CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS! Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: * as an industrial solvent and coolant. * in nuclear power plants. * in the production of styrofoam. * as a fire retardant. * in many forms of cruel animal research. * in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical. * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products. Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED! The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. IT'S NOT TOO LATE! Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to: Coalition to Ban DHMO 211 Pearl St. Santa Cruz CA, 95060 *C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Brian McClain How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker? None. That's what organic chemists are for! *C_________________________________________________________________________ From: kab4242@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux) It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. --quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =4.1 POETRY C__________________________________________________________________________ David Smillie: Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: hjiwa@nor.chevron.com Canonical List Of Holiday Humor From: grandish@kits.sfu.ca (Gavin Lee Grandish) Chemistry Christmas Carols 1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town 2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate 3. Silent Labs 4. Deck The Labs 5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry 6. Test Tubes Bubbling 7. O Little Melting Particle 8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen 9. Chemistry Wonderland 10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine 11. O Come All Ye Gases 12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are 13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule 14. Lab Reports 15. Silver nitrate 1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town You better not weigh You better not heat You better not react I'm telling you now The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. He's collecting data He's checking it twice He's gonna find out The heat of melting ice The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. He sees you when you're decanting He knows when you titrate He knows when you are safe or not So wear goggles for goodness sake. Oh, you better not filter And drink your filtrate You better not be careless and spill your precipitate. The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. 2. I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate I'm dreaming of a white precipitate just like the ones I used to make Where the colors are vivid and the chemist is livid to see impurities in the snow. I'm dreaming of a white precipitate with every chemistry test I write May your equations be balanced and right and may all your reactions be bright. 3. Silent Labs Silent labs, difficult labs All with math, all with graphs Observations of colors and smells Calculations and graph curves like bells Memories of tests that have past Oh, how long will chemistry last? Silent labs, difficult labs All with math, all with graphs Lots of equations that need balancing Gas pressure problems that make my head ring Santa Chlorine's on his way Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'. 4. Deck the Labs Deck the labs with rubber tubing Fa la la la la, la la la la. Use your funnel and your filter Fa la la la la, la la la la. Don we now our goggles and aprons Fa la la la la, la la la la. Before we go to our lab stations Fa la la la la, la la la la. Fill the beakers with solutions Fa la la la la, la la la la. Mix solutions for reactions Fa la la la la, la la la la. Watch we now for observations Fa la la la la, la la la la. So we can collect our data Fa la la la la, la la la la. 5. The Twelve Days of Chemistry On the first day of chemistry My teacher gave to me A candle from Chem Study. (second day) two asbestos pads (third day) three little beakers (fourth day) four work sheets (fifth day) five golden moles (sixth day) six flaming test tubes (seventh day) seven unknown samples (eighth day) eight homework problems (ninth day) nine grams of salt (tenth day) a ten page test (eleventh day) eleven molecules (twelfth day) a twelve point quiz 6. Test Tubes Bubbling (to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire") Test tubes bubbling in a water bath Strong smells nipping at ypur nose. Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow Will find it hard to be inert tonight. They know that Chlorine's on its way He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh And every student's slide rule is on the sly To see if the teacher really can multiply. And so I offer you this simple phrase To chemistry students in this room Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry molecules to you. 7. O Little Melting Particle (to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem") Para Dichloro Benzene how do you melt so well? The plateau of your cooling curve is really something swell. We think the heat of fusion of water is so nice Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole and what you get is ice. 8. We Wish You a Happy Halogen We wish you a happy halogen We wish you a happy halogen We wish you a happy halogen To react with a metal. Good acid we bring to you and your base. We wish you a merry molecule and a happy halogen. 9. Chemistry Wonderland Gases explode, are you listenin' In your rest tube, silver glistens A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a chemistry wonderland. Gone away, is the buoyancy Here to stay, is the density A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a chemistry wonderland. In the beaker we will make lead carbonate and decide if what's left is nitrate My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?" and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?" Later on, as we calculate the amount, of our nitrate We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made walking in a chemistry wonderland. 10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine under the chemistree last night They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart to take a peek At all the atoms reacting in their beakers; it was neat. And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine under the chemistree so bright Oh what a reaction there would have been if the principal had walked in With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night. 11. O Come All Ye Gases O Come all yea gases diatomic wonders O come yea, o come yea calls Avogadro. O come yea in moles 6 x 10 to the 23rd O molar mass and molecules O volume, pressure and temperature O molar volume of gases at S.T.P. 12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are We three students of chemistry are taking tests that we think are hard Stoichiometry, volumes and densities worrying all the time. O room of wonder room of fright Room of thermites blinding light: With your energies please don't burn us Help us get our labs all right. 13. Iron the Red Atom Molecule (to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer") There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine But do you recall the most famous element of all? Iron the red atom molecule had a very shiny orbital And if you ever saw him You'd enjoy his magnetic glow All of the other molecules used to laugh and call him Ferrum They never let poor Iron join in any reaction games. Then one inert Chemistry eve Santa came to say Iron with your orbital so bright won't you catalyze the reaction tonight? Then how the atoms reacted and combined in twos and threes Iron the red atom molecule you'll go down in Chemistry! 14. Lab Reports (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Dashing through the lab with a tan page lab report Taking all those tests and laughing at them all Bells for fire drills ring making spirits bright What fun it is to laugh and sing a chemistry song tonight. Oh, lab report, lab reports, reacting all the way Oh what fun it is to study for a chemistry test today, Hey! Chemistry test, chemistry test isn't it a blast Oh what fun it is to take a chemistry test and pass. 15. Silver Nitrate (to the tune of "Silver Bells") Silver nitrate, silver nitrate it's chemistry time in the lab Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring soon it will be chemistry day. Take your nitrate, in solution Add your copper with style In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions silver forming, blue solution Bringing ooh's ah's and wows now the data procesing begins. Get the mass, change to moles what is the ratio with copper? Write an equation, balance it we're glad it's Chemistry Day. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =4.2 QUOTES *C_________________________________________________________________________ From: kab4242@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux) It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. --quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ -- Joachim Verhagen Email:J.C.D.Verhagen@fys.ruu.nl Department of molecular biofysics, University of Utrecht Utrecht, The Netherlands.