X-NEWS: nbivax sci.physics: 95816 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V6.1; site nbivax.nbi.dk Path: nbivax.nbi.dk!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!sunic.sunet.se!news.kth.se!nac.no!Norway.EU.net!EU.net!sun4nl!cs.ruu.nl!tijger.fys.ruu.nl!verhagen Newsgroups: rec.humor,sci.math,sci.physics,sci.chem Subject: science jokes (6/8) Message-ID: From: verhagen@fys.ruu.nl (Joachim Verhagen) Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 13:40:23 GMT Sender: usenet@fys.ruu.nl (News system Tijgertje) Organization: Physics and Astronomy, University of Utrecht, The Netherlands X-Nntp-Posting-Host: ruunat.fys.ruu.nl X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #3 (NOV) Lines: 1604 Xref: nbivax sci.math:84044 sci.physics:95816 sci.chem:14332 =5. MISCELLANY MPA________________________________________________________________________ Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert. (Hunting lions in Africa was originally published as "A contribution to the mathematical theory of big game hunting" in the American Mathematical Monthly in 1938 by "H. Petard, of Princeton NJ" [actually the late Ralph Boas]. It has been reprinted several times. 1. Mathematical Methods 1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we introduce the following logical system: Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty. Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in the cage. Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem. Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage. 1.2 The geometrical inversion method We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. Case 1: The lion is inside the cage. This case is trivial. Case 2: The lion is outside the cage. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside. Warning: With this method, it is important not to stand in the middle of the cage, as one will disappear in the infinite. 1.3 The projective geometry method Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interior point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point. 1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of arbitrarily small diameter. Warning: With this method take care that the beautifull skin of the lion is not damaged. 1.5 The set theoretical method We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as its limit. With a cage on our backs, we jump from point to point of this sequence an so approach the lion as near as we like. 1.6 The Peano method In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to its own length. 1.7 A topological method We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless. 1.8 The Cauchy method We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider the integral 1 [ f(z) ------- I --------- dz 2 \pi i ] z - \zeta C where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3]. 1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].) From: chohn@vub.ac.be (Ohn Christian) 1.10 The Mathematical Induction method Consider, for each n, the following statement: P(n) : 'It is possible to catch n lions in the desert.' Of course, P(n) is true for large enough n, because the lions are then so tightly packed together that it is easy to catch them. But now, P(n) implies P(n-1) ('cause if you catch some lions, you can always release one of them). Hence, P(1) is true. 1.11 The Banachsche or iterative method Let f be a contraction of the Sahara in it with contraction point x_0. On this point we put the cage. By successive iteration W(n+1)= f(W(n)), n=,1,2,..... (W(0)=Sahara) the Sahara will be contracted to X_0. In this way the lion will get in the cage. 2 Theoretical Physics Methods 2.1 The Dirac method We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader. 2.2 The Schroedinger method At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait. 2.3 The Quantum Measurement Method We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate. The wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness. We lay these eigenstates out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other. Since the (male) lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made from a distance, using binoculars. The lion then collapses into one of the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage. 2.4 The nuclear physics method Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6] on it and a wild lion. As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins. 2.5 The Newton method Cage and lion attract each other with the gravitation force. We neglect the friction. This way the lion will arive sooner or later in the cage. 2.6 The Special relativistic method One moves over the desert with light velocity. The relativistic length contraction makes the lion flat as paper. One takes it, rolls it up and puts a rubber band around the lion. 2.8 The general relativistic method All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger. 2.9 The Heisenberg method Position and Velocity from a moving lion can not be measure at the same time. As moving lions have no physical meaningfull position in the desert, one can not catch them. The lion hunt can therefore be limited to resting lions. The catching of a resting, not moving lion is left as an exercise for the reader. 3 Experimental Physics Methods 3.1 The thermodynamics method We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert. 3.2 The atomic fission method We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist. 3.3 The magneto-optical method We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the field's foci . Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense. [1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457 [2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3 [3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion except for at most one. [4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of its Applications" (1933), pp 73-74 [5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89 [6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8 (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107 [7] ibid 4 Contributions from Computer Science. 4.1 The search method We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to solve the problem. 4.2 The parallel search method. By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the north much faster than earlier. 4.3 The Monte-Carlo method. We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability appear sooner or later. 4.4 The practical approach. We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion. 4.5 The common language approach. If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be trivial to solve. 4.6 The standard approach. We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for initial investigations into this standard development. 4.7 Linear search. Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert. Take one step east. Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right hand edge. If you reach the right hand edge, take one step southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge. When you finally reach the lion, put it the cage. If the lion should happen to eat you before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and try again. 4.8 The Dijkstra approach: The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara Desert. Another way of stating the problem is: Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage) We observe the following invariant: P1: C(L) v not(C(L)) where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage. Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement ;cage := {} Note 0: This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking out any lions that happen to be there initially. (End of note 0.) The obvious program structure is then: ;cage:={} ;do NOT (C(L)) -> ;"approach lion under invariance of P1" ;if P(L) -> ;"insert lion in cage" [] not P(L) -> ;skip ;fi ;od where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach. Note 1: Axiom 2 ensures that the loop terminates. (End of note 1.) Exercise 0: Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1". (End of exercise 0.) Note 2: The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to abortion if the value of L is "lioness". (End of note 2.) Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you. (End of remark 0.) Note 3: From observation we can see that the above program leads to the desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to run it. (End of note 3.) (End of approach.) For other articles, see also: A Random Walk in Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza More Random Walks In Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza In Mathematical Circles (2 volumes) - Howard Eves Mathematical Circles Revisited - Howard Eves Mathematical Circles Squared - Howard Eves Fantasia Mathematica - Clifton Fadiman The Mathematical Magpi - Clifton Fadiman Seven Years of Manifold - Jaworski The Best of the Journal of Irreproducible Results - George H. Scheer Mathematics Made Difficult - Linderholm A Stress-Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown - Robert Baker The Worm-Runners Digest Knuth's April 1984 CACM article on The Space Complexity of Songs Stolfi and ?? SIGACT article on Pessimal Algorithms and Simplexity Analysis MPA________________________________________________________________________ From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben) & From: sm@wf-hh.sh.sub.de (Stefan Mohr) ASSIGNMENT: Obtain an elephant from Africa. PHYSICIST: Starting on the west coast, he searches north- to-south and south-to-north slowly moving east. He inspects all gray animals keeping the first one that weighs the same as a known adult elephant plus-or-minus 500 pounds. MATHEMATICIAN: Starting in the center he moves in an elliptical spiral (with major axis oriented north-to-south) removing all non-elephants keeping whatever is left. EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICAN: Same as unexperienced mathematican, except that he first tries to proof there is at least one unabiguous elephant before he starts with the search. MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR: Same as experienced mathematican, except that he leaves the actual searching and catching of the elephant to his students. COMPUTER SCIENTIST: First he notes that there are two kinds of elephants (African and Indian) and requests more detailed specifications as to which elephant is desired to be captured. Then he searches east-to-west and west- to-east starting from the southern tip and moving north. He stops only when encountering and capturing an animal whose description matches the American Zoological Society's classification of the type of elephant he is seeking. EXPERIENCED COMPUTER SCIENTIST: Same as inexperienced computer scientist, except that he places a known elephant in Cairo to guarantee that the algorithm terminates. ( The way I teach the insertion sort is to first locate the smallest element and then to swap it into first place. Why? So that the insertion algorithm must terminate before reaching the non-existent zeroth position. I like to tell this joke just before I teach the insertion sort. -Michael A. Stueben) ASSEMBLER PROGRAMMER: Same as experienced computer scientist, except that he prefers to do it on his hand and knees. SQL PROGRAMMER: Uses the following expression: SELECT elephant FROM Africa. ECONOMIST: He hunts no elephants, but believes that the elephants would deliver themselves if payed enough. STATISTICAN: hunts the first animal he sees n times and calls it elephant. ECONOMICAL ADVISER: He hunts no elephants and has never hunted anything at all. You can hire them by the hour to give good advice. SYSTEM ANALYSER: Is theoretically capable of calculating the the correlation between hat size and hit quote, if somebody would tell them what an elephant is. ___________________________________________________________________________ A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it. PCB________________________________________________________________________ If it moves it is biology, if it stinks it is chemistry and if it does not work it is physics. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: labonnes@csc.albany.edu (S. LaBonne) POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -Bierce --------------------------------units and dimensions------------- 2 monograms 1 diagram 8 nickles 2 paradigms 2 wharves 1 paradox 10E5 bicycles 2 megacycles 1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel 1 whod unit fbecker@dtic.dla.mil (Francoise Becker) writes: 10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo 1 milli-Helen = the amount of beauty required to launch 1 ship From: weitzen@temp10.physics.uiuc.edu (Scott Weitzenhoffer) From: BUTTHEAD@TRASHCAN.ESCAPE.DE (Matthias Grohmann) 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds = 10 meal-units in Italy ___________________________________________________________________________ PROOF METHODS WIPE-METHOD: One wipes the blackboard, immediately after writing. (write to the right, wipe to the left.) METHOD OF EXACT DESCRIPTION: Let p be a point q, that we will call r. PREHISTORIC METHOD: Somebody has once proven this. AUTHORITY BELIEVE METHOD: That must be right. It stands in Forster. AUTHORITY CRITICAL METHOD: That must be wrong. It stands in Jaenich. COGNITION PHILOSOPHY, METHOD 1: I recognized the problem! COGNITION PHILOSOPHY, METHOD 2: I believe, I recognized the probelm! PACIFISTIC METHOD: Thus, before we fight about it, let's just believe it COMMUNICATIVE METHOD: Does anybody of you know it? KAPITALISTIC METHOD: The profit is maximal, if we do not proof anything, because that costs the leasts pieces of chalk. COMMUNISTIC METHOD: We proof it together. Everybody writes a line and the result is government property. NUMERICAL METHOD: Roughly rounded, it is correct. SMART GUYS METHOD: We do not proof that now. Anyway, it is to complicated for the physicists. TIMELESS METHOD: We proof so long till nobody knows wether the proof is ended or not. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: tsvetova@femto.cs.umn.edu (Maksim B. Tsvetovatyy) In a high-level math class a prof gave a final with one question: "Write a suitable final exam for this class (also supply a key)". A student simply repeated the question and added "If this final exam is good anough for prof. , it's good enough for me" ___________________________________________________________________________ From:BRIAN6@VAXC.MDX.AC.UK (who has a lightbulb collection) Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials. Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. That's what research students are for. A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work. Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. That's what research students are for. A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work. Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach. Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right. Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do. Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. A: It all depends on the size of the grant. A: Two and a professor to take credit. A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day. A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection Scientists do it experimentally. Scientists do it with plenty of research. Scientists discovered it. Graduates do it by degrees. Professors do it by the book. Professors do it with class. Professors forget to do it. Research professors do it only if they get grants. Researchers are still looking for it. Researchers do it with control. B__________________________________________________________________________ "Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division." B__________________________________________________________________________ Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb. Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in. Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes eight million years. B__________________________________________________________________________ From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection Biologists do it with clones. Molecular biologists do it with hot probes. Zoologists do it with animals. Genetists do it with sick genes. B__________________________________________________________________________ Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? B__________________________________________________________________________ From: David Smillie: A little neurological put down: You've only got two neurons--and one of them's inhibitory. B__________________________________________________________________________ Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. B__________________________________________________________________________ Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin B__________________________________________________________________________ From: johnston@mhc.uiuc.edu (SJANNA JOHNSTON) Biology exam: Create life . Justify your answer. B__________________________________________________________________________ THE HARVARD LAW Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases. B__________________________________________________________________________ From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just) OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away B__________________________________________________________________________ From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge) (List of Taglines) Life is a sexually transmitted disease Life is anything that dies when you stomp it! Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have! Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary. PB_________________________________________________________________________ From: gt4495c@prism.gatech.edu (Giannhs) Physics-envy is the curse of biology. -- Joel Cohen ___________________________________________________________________________ From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection Geographers do it globally. Geologists are great explorers. Geologists do it eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards. Geologists do it in folded beds. Geologists do it to get their rocks off. Geologists know how to make the bedrock. ___________________________________________________________________________ Why did the chicken cross the road? Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: lozinski@netcom.com (Joe Cool) MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN Artery------------------------The study of fine paintings. Barium------------------------What you do when CPR fails. Cesarean Section--------------A district in Rome. Colic-------------------------A sheep dog. Coma--------------------------A punctuation mark. Congenital--------------------Friendly. Dilate------------------------To live long. Fester------------------------Quicker. GI Series---------------------Baseball game between teams of soldiers. Grippe------------------------A suitcase. Hangnail----------------------A coat hook. Medical staff-----------------A doctor's cane. Minor operation---------------Coal digging. Morbid------------------------A higher offer. Nitrate-----------------------Lower than the day rate. Node--------------------------Was aware of. Organic-----------------------Church musician. Outpatient--------------------Person who has fainted. Post-operative----------------A letter carrier. Protein-----------------------In favor of young people. Secretion---------------------Hiding anything. Serology----------------------Study of English knighthood. Tablet-------------------------A small table. Tumor-------------------------An extra pair. Urine-------------------------Opposite of you're out. Varicose veins----------------Veins which are very close together. Benign------------------------What you be after you be eight. ___________________________________________________________________________ Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. ___________________________________________________________________________ ACHILLES AND THE TORTOISE (Zeno's Paradox) Proof that Achilles cannot overtake a tortoise which has a lead. By the time that Achilles has reached the tortoise's point of departure the tortoise has retreated. Achilles then has to cover that extra distance but finds the tortoise has retreated farther. He covers that only to find that the tortoise is not there. And so on and so forth. So Achilles never reaches the tortoise. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: jcf@world.std.com (Joseph C Fineman) According to the late R. P. Feynman, an easy rule for telling which was is up is the following: point the index finger of your right hand in the direction of motion of the bus, and the thumb in the direction of motion of exiting passengers. The middle finger will point *up*. In Britain, use the left hand. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: c1prasad@watson.ibm.com (prasad) "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." ___________________________________________________________________________ From: RVFT60@email.sps.mot.com (Mike Scott) The chief of a poor American Indian tribe .. no paved roads, no electricity, no indoor plumbing .. scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief's son will go down in history as the first indian to wire a head for a reservation. From: oxton@skopen.dseg.ti.com (Gail Oxton) Even earlier in history, the introduction of electricity to English castles produced the first knight lights. From: dhawkins@meaddata.com (Dan Hawkins) As I recall that job was done by Sir Bud of Light. ___________________________________________________________________________ It may be that human life is "the galaxy's way of evolving a brain." This will come as a surprise to pessimists who, contemplating humankind's destructive tendencies, may be wondering if life isn't the galaxy's way of eliminating certain planets. ___________________________________________________________________________ I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. ___________________________________________________________________________ When skating on thin ice, allow others to take the lead. There is no disgrace in learning from others, particularly when doing so avoids putting yourself in jeopardy. ___________________________________________________________________________ The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer: * Pocket calculator * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair (Choose any of the above) * IBM PC * Apple Macintosh * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice) And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities: ********************************************************* ******* G R A D U A T E S T U D E N T S ******** ********************************************************* Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly graduate students. Imagine the advantages: * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have students. You can easily add more power by promising more desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college through your guidance. Special student units can even handle several tasks *on*their*own*! * Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or mouse again. Just mumble commands and they *will* be understood (or else!). * No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every student comes complete with all hardware necessary. Never again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation! Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous end) and off it goes. * Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit bucket in the sky? This won't happen with grad. students. All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!* upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run good as new. * Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there and ignores you. Through the grad student abuse module you can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot! * Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new faculty member on the block sneered at you because his FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your dinosaur? This doesn't happen with grad. students. When they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for themselves. Out of sight, out of mind! * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does get them going a little faster from time to time). * Expansion options. If your grad. students don't seem to be performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager or software engineer upgrade. These guys are guaranteed to require even less than a student, and typically establish permanent residence in the computer room. You'll never know they are around! (Which you certainly can't say for an AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk with its ten noisy fans....) [Note however that the engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous messages on world-wide bulletin boards.] So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today! You'll never go back! ___________________________________________________________________________ Why is the number 10 afraid of seven? -- because seven ate nine. ___________________________________________________________________________ Three mathematicians and a physicist walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked. (Ha, that quack's me up!) ___________________________________________________________________________ "The world is everywhere dense with idiots." - LFS ___________________________________________________________________________ From: north@hgl.signaal.nl (S.North) In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Along comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." ...... As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and this time he has a diploma in his paw. The camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see an enourmous mean-looking lion sitting next to the bloody and furry remains of the wolf and the fox. The moral of this story is: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that counts. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: mnsotn@picard.cs.wisc.edu (Christopher Bovitz) 132 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order) Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, grad students extrordiannaire (#1 - 101). Appended by Chris Bovitz, grad student grandioso (#102-131). (#132 from Mary C. Liles). 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..." 2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee. 3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question. 4) Interpretive dance. 5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..." 6) Stage your own death/suicide. 7) Lead the specators in a Wave. 8) Have a sing-a-long. 9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?" 10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..." 11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in. 12) Puppet show. 13) Group prayer. 14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld. 15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc. 16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!" 17) Imitate Groucho Marx. 18) Mime. 19) Hold a Tupperware party. 20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads. 21) "Everybody rhumba!!" 22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..." 23) Charge a cover and check for ID. 24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of minorities..." 25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?" 26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics... 27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people. 28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas. 29) Door prizes and a raffle. 30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..." 31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..." 32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter. 33) Whine piteously, beg, cry... 34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin. 35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...") 36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer). 37) Fashion show. 38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..." 39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..." 40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.). 41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund. 42) Pass the collection basket. 43) Two-drink minimum. 44) Black tie only. 45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..." 46) Incite a revolt. 47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building. 48) Release a flock of doves. 49) Defense by proxy. 50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..." 51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about. 52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..." 53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?" 54) Bring your pet boa. 55) Tell ghost stories. 56) Do a "show and tell". 57) Food fight. 58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional. 59) Halftime show. 60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!" 61) "OK - which one of you farted?" 62) Rimshot. 63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands. 64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks. 65) 3-ring defense. 66) "Tag - you're it!" 67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion. 68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)" 69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band. 70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks. 71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens. 72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table. 73) Make committee members wear silly hats. 74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators. 75) Do a soft-shoe routine. 76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. 77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points. 78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..." 79) Tap dance. 80) Vaudeville. 81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out." 82) Flex and show off those massive pecs. 83) Dress in top hat and tails. 84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire. 85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to. 86) Shadow puppets. 87) Show slides of your last vacation. 88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps. 89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture. 90) "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave." 91) Call your advisor "sweetie". 92) Have everyone pose for a group photo. 93) Instant replay. 94) Laugh maniacally. 95) Talk with your mouth full. 96) Start speaking in tongues. 97) Explode. 98) Implode. 99) Spontaneously combust. 100) Answer every question with a question. 101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done. 102) Rearrange the chairs into a peace symbol. 103) Refer to yourself in the third person, like Julius Caesar did. 104) Mention your professor as "my helper." 105) Say that you'd like to thank a few people. Pull out the White Pages. Start reading. 106) Advertise it as "pot luck". 107) Talk in Klingonese. 108) Dress like your favorite character from "Star Trek". 109) Ask imaginary helpers to change transparencies; fly off the handle when they don't. 110) Wear a trenchcoat. And nothing else. 111) Dress in a Wild West style. 112) Go dressed in scuba gear. Use the oxygen tank. 113) Preface with the story of your life. 114) Wear a swimsuit from the opposite sex: man - wear a bikini, woman - wear trunks. 115) Have bodyguards on your sides as you talk. The bigger, the better. Have a questioner thrown out "as an example." 116) Have someone wheel in a big cake with you in it. Jump out and begin. 117) Perform your defense as a Greek tragedy, kill yourself offstage when you're done. 118) Half way through, break down. Go to your professor, curl up on his or her lap and call him or her "Mommy". Suck your thumb. 119) Suddenly develop Turret's Syndrome. 120) Suddenly develop the China Syndrome. 121) "This defense has been sponsored by the fine people at (your favorite corporation)..." 122) Secede from the U.S. Give yourself political asylum. 123) Talk in Canadianese - add an "eh" after every sentence. 124) When a professor asks you a question, argue with your imaginary twin over the final answer. 125) Videotape it ahead of time, and get someone set it up to show. Come in the back and sit there. When your tape is done, ask for questions. In person. 126) Have every person pick a "CB" handle. Enforce their usage. Talk in CB lingo. End every statement with "good buddy." End every question with "over." 127) Provide party favors. Noisy ones. 128) Frequently ask if anyone has to go to the potty. 129) Mention that you have to hurry because "Hard Copy" is on in 15 minutes. 130) Dress like your school mascot. 131) Urge your committee that if they like your defense enough to tell two friends, and then they'll tell two friends, and so on, and so on... 132) Show up in drag accompanied by the Drag Queens you met at last night's performance and proclaim your thesis presentation will instead discuss: "Blue Eyeshadow: Our Friend Or Foe?" From: smitch@alcor.concordia.ca (Sidney N. Mitchell) 132) Plead the fifth ammendment if you can't answer a question. 133) Keep your back to the committee during the presentation and defense phases. 134) Answer only questions that begin with sir and end with sir. (tell your committe this beforehand). 135) Limit the number of questions that you will allow, and then when the limit is almost reached, go into aerobics terminology... four more...three more...two more..and...rest. 136) Ignore the committee and say "I think that young man/lady at the back has a question". 137) Have your parents call your committee members repeatedly the week before your defense to tell them how expensive it is putting a child through graduate school etc. 138) At the defense, have your parents sit directly behind your committee. 139) Burp, pass gas, scratch (anywhere repeatedly), and pick your nose. E__________________________________________________________________________ From: nelsonbe@ucsu.Colorado.EDU (NELSON BRIAN EDWARD) TEN REASONS TO DATE AN ENGINEER 10. Why not? 9. They are user friendly 8. No need to call a handy man 7. Learn how to use the other buttons on your calculator 6. Homework help without the guilt 5. They will make lots of money 4. Not all of them wear dark blue jeans 3. They know how to push the right buttons 2. They understand heat-transfer 1. They are used to pulling all nighters ___________________________________________________________________________ THE SECOND BOOK OF VECTOR There dwelt in the land of Brit certain high priests who served in the temples of Elektron, which is an invisible god who darteth around in ever-decreasing circles but never into his own nucleus. And the priests of Elektron were devout men, serving no other god but he. And Elektron looked with favour upon them and rewarded them each according to his worth with divers strange gifts. To some he gave power to converse with those from afar off and to others he brought visions of strange happenings in distant lands; yeah, even of the United States cavalry in glorious Technicolor. And to certain other of his high priests Elektron gave powers of levitation, so that they walked with their feet ever- so-slightly off the ground; these dwelt in glass temples called, in the native tongue, Researchlabs or Funnifarms, which were set apart from the common people and to which entrance was denied to all, saving only those having scrips of authority from their chief priest. And these priests were called by the common people Egbonces which meaneth he who knoweth the square root of minus one. And the Egbonces were cunning at fashioning curious devices from boot-latchets and wax so that the populace were astonished and continually cried out, saying, behold, these are great wonders but of what use be they? Yet other high priests of Elektron were followers of the prophet Babbage and these were set in authority over divers machines that brought much benefit to the common people; some computed the numbers of the tribes and the taxes that each man should pay; others controlled the paycheks of these that laboured, so that each man received less than his hire, while others suggested that the inter-city chariots were tardy in arrival. And Elektron taught the high priests to feed the engines with curious symbols engraven upon tablets that they might print out likenesses of the sex-goddess Bardot devoid of her apparel, which gave satisfaction to many. And these priests likewise withdrew the hems of their garments from the common populace and, by conversing in the alien tongues of Fortran and Algol, preserved their mysteries jealously. At this time the skies were filled with heavier-than-air machines of many nations which flew with the noise of emasculated hornets and carried the peoples to and fro, even unto the ends of the earth. These machines were under the auspices of the god Hijak. And certain of the nations had air machines which could drop unpleasantness on the land beneath to discomfort the people; but certain other nations who were poor and backward and, as the saying goeth, not with it, did not possess these amenities. Thus it came to pass that the acquisition of such machines was regarded by all as an outward and visible sign that the possessor nation was emerging from savage practices and an example to others. And certain rich merchants searched diligently and redeemed many heavier-than-air machines; some from the knocker's yard; some which fell from the back of an hangar and yet others which were dislodged privily from the Science Museum. And they purposed to sell these to the heathen for many shekels of gold and at great profit. So it came to pass that the merchants sent envoys to a far country, even to the kingdom of Tsetse-Tsetse. And the envoys said unto the king of Tsetse-Tsetse, O king live for ever but put not thy money upon it. And the king answered saying, What meanest thou? Then did the envoys reply saying, Surely thou knowest that they neighbour the king of Beri- Beri hath cast covetous eyes upon thy lands and they maidens? If only thou hadst an Air Force it would cause thine adversary to wind his neck in. Then did the king beat his breast crying, Wo is me! And the envoys made reply saying Not so, O king, for it so happeneth that we can supply thee with a squadron of Bleriot Mk.Is. And thus it came to pass the king bought from the envoys for much fine gold and slept peacefully with his wives that night. Then did the envoys depart and journeyed to the neighbouring land that is called Beri-Beri. And they said to the king of Beri-Beri, O king live for ever but begin not the reading of any long novels. And the king said What meanest thou? Whereupon the envoys replied saying, Knowest thou not that they neighbour the king of Tsetse-Tsetse hath secretly purchased war-birds and purposeth to ravage thy country? At this the king went as pale as was possible and the end of the matter was that he became Commodore of a squadron of Cabbage White Mk. VIIs. And it came to pass that in Brit the god Elektron gave unto his high priests the power to fashion magick bowls which could divine the presence and movements of heavier-than-air machines even at great distances. Yeah, and not only this, for by gazing into the bowl, vessels having their business in great waters could be made to broach each other with greater certainty. And on land its magick powers enabled the Fuzz to put the finger upon all charioteers who, like their forbear Jehu, drove furiously. And the name of this new wonder was radar, which, being translated, meaneth that which worketh by suction and mirrors. And the rich merchants came unto the high priests of radar and said unto them. Lo, we have heard much of the wonders that they god Elektron hath taught thee and it seemeth that we can do a deal with profit to all. Make for us great numbers of these magick bowls, we pray thee, that we may sell them to the nations for their greater safety. Do this and we will pay thee many shekels of gold; moreover, we will pull down thy temples to the greater glory of Elektron, wherein thou shalt find all the instruments that they heart desirest. And we will clothe thee in white raiment and give thee charge over many. What sayest thou? And the high priest conferred privily and agreed among themselves that they were on to a good thing. So it came to pass that the merchants caused mighty temples to be built wherein the god Elektron might be served, both by day and night; and the high priests, for their part, devised magick bowls with ever greater cunning and these the merchants sold to whoever was in the market place. Thus it came about that both the king of Tsetse-Tsetse and the king of Beri-Beri were persuaded to buy the magick bowls with which to keep vigil each upon the other. Yeah, both primary and secondary radar had they in plenty and certain inhabitants of the two countries were trained to interpret the signs and portents which appeared upon these bowls whenever an heavier- than-air machine was drawing nigh. And behold, it came to pass that upon a certain night there was a watchman in the kingdom of Tsetse-Tsetse who was an exceeding dim lamp; moreover, when interpreting the symbols on the magick bowl, he was, as the saying is, unable to tell Squawk from Clutter. And this watchman, fearful of what he supposed he saw upon the face of the bowl, said unto himself The enemy is upon us, and thereupon smote the Panick Button. Hereupon the Bleriot Mk.Is rose (all excepting one which had broken its elastick band) and brought destruction to the sleeping land of Beri-Beri. But the Cabbage Whites, being forewarned by their magick bowls, were already riding the heavens and bringing affliction upon their neighbours. And, by morning, both countries were bathed in blood. And in the temples of Elektron there was great commotion, for the hot lines were glowing red and the artificial moons which the high priests had raised were overburdened with coloured images of the slaughter, for the delectation of the common people. And when all was accomplished, overseers from the United Nations came and wagged their heads and voted Tsetse-Tsetse and Beri-Beri into their assemblies in recognition of their emergence. V. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: ted_swift@qm.sri.com (Ted Swift) "Bring me into the company of those who seek the truth, and deliver me from those who have found it." ___________________________________________________________________________ From: sjt@xun8.sr.bham.ac.uk (James Tappin) "If all else fails--read the instructions!" ___________________________________________________________________________ From: peekstok@u.washington.edu (Anna Peekstok) PROBLEM SOLVING P R O C E S S YES ============================= NO +-----------|| Does the Darn Thing work? ||-----------+ | ============================= | V V +----------+ +---------+ +---------+ | Don't | NO | Does | +-------+ YES | Did you | | mess | +---| anyone |<------| YOU |<---------| mess | | with it! | | | know? | | MORON | | with it | +----------+ | +---------+ +-------+ +---------+ | V | YES | NO | +------+ +-----------+ | | | HIDE | V V | | IT | +--------+ +-----------+ | +------+ | YOU | YES | WILL THEY | | | +------->| POOR |<------------| CATCH YOU?| | | | |BASTARD!| +-----------+ | | | |________| | NO | | | | | | | | V V | | | +---------------+ +-----------+ | | | NO | CAN YOU BLAME | |DESTROY THE| | | +------| SOMEONE ELSE? | | EVIDENCE | | | +---------------+ +-----------+ | | | YES | | | v | | | ============================ | | +---->|| N O ||<---------+ +------------>|| P R O B L E M || ============================ __________________________________________________________________________ MURPHY'S LAWS THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will. 2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage. 3. Everything will go wrong at one time. 3.1 That time is always when you least expect it. 4. If nothing can go wrong, something will. 5. Nothing is as easy as it looks. 6. Everything takes longer than you think. 7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse. 8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's when it will occur. 10. Mother Nature is a bitch. 10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it. 11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer. 15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in the same direction. 16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved. 16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed if more than one person is involved. 17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the final invoice. ___________________________________________________________________________ GLASSER'S COROLLARY If, of the seven hours you spend at work, six hours and fifty-five minutes are spent working at your desk, and the rest of the time you throw the bull with your cubicle-mate, the time at which your supervisor will walk in and ask what you're doing can be determined to within five minutes. ___________________________________________________________________________ ZYMURGY'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAWS When it rains, it pours. ___________________________________________________________________________ JENKINSON'S LAW It won't work. ___________________________________________________________________________ O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS Murphy was an optimist. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: goble@infonaut.com (Clark Goble) As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes another idiot. -- Grave's Law E__________________________________________________________________________ LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN: 1. In any given price estimate, the cost of the equipment will exceed estimated expenditure by a factor of 3. 2. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable terms. For example, velocity will be expressed in furlongs/fortnight. 3. If the breadbox trial model functions perfectly, the finished product will not percolate. 4. In a mathematical calculation, any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will do the most damage to the calculation. 5. In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, contain the errors. 6. The probability of a dimension or value being omitted from a drawing is directly proportional to its importance. 7. In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 8. Information necessitating a change in design will be conveyed to the designer after, and only after, the plans are complete. 9. In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way vs. one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revisions. 10. The more innocuous a modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn. E__________________________________________________________________________ LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY: 1. If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 components available. 2. Interchangeable parts won't. 3. Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be. 4. The most delicate component will be dropped. 5. The construction and operation manual will be discarded with the packing material. The garbage truck will have picked it up five minutes before the mad dash to the rubbish can. 6. The necessity of making a major design change increases as the assembly and wiring of the unit approach completion. 7. THE LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITATION: A dropped tool will land where it will do the most damage. 8. A component selected at random from a group having a 99% reliability will be a member of the 1% group. 9. Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly. 10. The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for that component. 11. If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be available. Furthermore, it cannot be developed with any series or parallel combination. 12. After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. E__________________________________________________________________________ LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION: 1. Any wire cut to length will be too short. 2. Milliammeters will be connected across the power source, voltmeters in series with it. 3. The probability of an error in the schematic is directly proportional to the trouble it can cause. 4. Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical on the final test after being buried under other components and wiring. 5. A self starting oscillator won't. 6. A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency -- if it oscillates at all. 7. A p-n-p transistor will be found to be an n-p-n. 8. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 9. If a circuit cannot fail, it will. 10. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 11. Probability of failure of a component is inversely proportional to the ease of repair or replacement. 12. A KEY RULE OF STARFLEET OPERATIONS: Some idiot has left open the number two impulse vent.(Check the position of all switches, knobs, and dials before turning on a piece of equipment. Both you and the equipment will live longer.) E__________________________________________________________________________ LAWS CONCERNING TROUBLE SHOOTING: 1. After the 24th cabinet-to-chassis screw has been removed to replace the under chassis fuse, it will be observed that the line cord plug has become disengaged from the a.c. receptacle. 2. After the 24th cabinet-to-chassis screw has been replaced, the driver tube will be found under the schematic on the bench. 3. The bleeder resistor will quit discharging the filter capacitors as the operator reaches into the power supply enclosure. ___________________________________________________________________________ ALLEN'S AXIOM When all else fails, read the directions. ___________________________________________________________________________ GUNNERSEN'S LAW The probability of a given event is inversely proportional to it's desirability. ___________________________________________________________________________ MESKIMEN'S LAW There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. ___________________________________________________________________________ JONES'S LAW The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. ___________________________________________________________________________ LORD FALKLAND'S RULE When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. ___________________________________________________________________________ GUMMIDGE'S LAW The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public. ___________________________________________________________________________ SATTINGER'S LAW It works better if you plug it in. ___________________________________________________________________________ THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. ___________________________________________________________________________ ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS Once you open a can of worms, the only way you can recan them is to use a larger can. (Old worms never die; they just worm their way into larger cans.) ___________________________________________________________________________ OSBORN'S LAW Variables won't, constants aren't. ___________________________________________________________________________ THE SNAFU EQUATIONS 1. Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2. The object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3. The device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4. In any human eneavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and failed, there will be one solution, simple, obvious, and highly visible to everyone else. 5. Badness comes in waves. ___________________________________________________________________________ NOTEBOOK OF LAZARUS LONG (Robert A. Heinlein) Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it. If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion. Most 'scientists' are bottle washers and button sorters. The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects require merely scholarship. Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so. Natural laws have no pity. Climate is what we expect. Weather is what we get. A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. ___________________________________________________________________________ 1) Hofstadter's Law: "It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account." 2) Morton's Law: "If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer." 3) Epstein's Axiom: "With extremely few exceptions, nothing is worth the trouble." 4) Mathis' Rule: "It is bad luck to be superstitious." 5) Laura's Law: "No child throws up in the bathroom." 6) "If there is a opinion, facts will be found to support it." -- Judy Sproles. 7) "Rich folks get more strokes." -- Greg Beil. 8) "If A = B and B = C, then A = C except where void or prohibited by law". -- Roy Santoro. 9) Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: "It's on the other side." -- Doug Preudhomme 10) "Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at least once more." -- Tom Parkins 11) Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: "(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects." -- Ely Slick 12) The two laws of Frisbee: "(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed 'car suck'); (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than 'Watch this!'" 13) (Sam) Goldwyn's Law: "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on." 14)(Murray) Gell-Mann's Law: "Whatever isn't forbidden is required; thus, if there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist." 15) (Mark) Twain's Rule: "Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we'." 16) "Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion. Bodies at rest tend to remain in bed." -- Dave Tewksbury 17) Hurewitz's Memory Principle: "The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to....to....." -- Lane Hurewitz 18) Corry's Law: "Paper is always strongest at the perforations." -- Carolyn M. Corry E__________________________________________________________________________ From: schiec@jec3210-17.its.rpi.edu (Christopher L. Schierer) I was going to be an engineer.... Aerospace but it just didn't fly. Aeronautical but I couldn't keep my head above water. Bio-Medical but I was rejected. Chemical but the job really stunk. Civil but I couldn't make the grade. Computer but I got stuck in a loop. Electrical but it was all current events. Genetic but I only wore Levis. Industrial but I couldn't get off the floor. Management but I wasn't a team player. Materials but I didn't have the fiber. Mechanical but I got shafted. Metallurgical but I couldn't get the lead out. Nuclear but I didn't have the glow. Power but it went to my head. E__________________________________________________________________________ From: badour@umich.edu (Paul Badour) Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies 1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - - We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech. 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit. 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. 13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull! 14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely. 15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design. 16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift! 17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED. 18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked. 19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off. 20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken. From: sapient@pearwood.demon.co.uk (Barny Shergold) 21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE - I don't feel like doing it. 22. IT DEPENDS... - Abandon all hope of a useful answer. 23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW- GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS - I don't know. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: kring@physik.uni-kl.de (Thomas Kettenring) Geologists are amazing. They know hundreds of words for different sorts of dirt and hundreds of words for things it does when left alone for a few million years. ___________________________________________________________________________ The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking." ___________________________________________________________________________ Sarah Plummer wrote: I was also told this about happening at my college. We'll see how many schools have had the same story repeated there. 8) In one of the houses in which all the lacrosse/fortball players live they have a file of papers for classes so people don't have to write them, they can just take a paper previously written and change the name and hand it in. Well, there was one paper for a class which someone had written and gotten a B on. But on the corner of the front page was a little drawing of a whale. The next year a brother" took the class (we don't have frats on campus. This is as close as we get) and when he had to do the paper he just xeroxed the paper and got a B on it as well. Then the next time the class was offered another brother took the paper and xeroxed it, but whited out the whale so the prof wouldn't suspect that it was the same paper etc. Well, he got a C on it. When he asked the prof why he got a C on it, when all the other people who copied the paper got a B on it and he got a C and it was the same paper, the prof said I liked the whale." From: rhawkins@iastate.edu (R E HAWKINS) Or from my father. A student questioned his 0 on a test. "But these are the same answers as Tran, and he got hundred percent." "Tran had a different test." E__________________________________________________________________________ From: pischke@ecf.toronto.edu (PISCHKE DAVID) Engineering is the art of moulding materials we do not fully understand into shapes we cannot fully analyse and preventing the public from realising the full extent of our ignorance." ___________________________________________________________________________ From: mcollins@plato.ucs.mun.ca (Michelle Collins) Q:What's the difference between a science student and an arts student tying his shoes? A:The arts student gets a credit. ___________________________________________________________________________ From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just) OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just) OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever ___________________________________________________________________________ From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just) OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded E__________________________________________________________________________ From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just) OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact ___________________________________________________________________________ From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge) (List of Taglines) Any wire cut to length will be too short. 1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts If it's not going to plan, maybe there never was a plan. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either. MPE________________________________________________________________________ From: reid@indiana.edu (Frank Reid) Technicians think they are engineers. Engineers think they are physicists. Physicists think they are mathematicians. Mathematicians think they are philosophers. Philosophers think they are technicians. (Local philosophy prof sprayed WD-40 in his VCR.) -- Joachim Verhagen Email:J.C.D.Verhagen@fys.ruu.nl Department of molecular biofysics, University of Utrecht Utrecht, The Netherlands.